The One I Loved Already

My husband and I went to our first appointment with the fertility clinic in early 2014 (the exact month escapes me).  I'm not sure how my husband felt at this point although I know he is reluctant to go to doctor's offices and hospitals.  But I imagine he was a little on the nervous side.  I sure was. 

Going to the doctor's office usually has the power to make me a little on edge.  I probably should be used to the process after going to the doctor so often with having Crohn's Disease.  It seems like there would always be an unpleasant test of some sort awaiting me.  What surprise tests would we have here?

With this visit to the fertility clinic, we were looking at potentially large medical bills coming our way as insurance would provide little to no assistance in the process.  We had saved up money, but how long would that last?  And would we get the results we wanted after spending that much money? 

And the biggest cause for my shaken nerves: the end result.  Either way it went.  I was nervous it wouldn't work; that the baby I longed for, of mine and my husband's own flesh and blood, would never be, and I'd be left with a massive hole in my heart.  On the other hand, if it did work, if we were to be blessed with a child...well, having a baby makes everyone nervous!

The waiting area at the office provided a slight calming of my nerves.  The environment was open and quiet.  But then we were handed the new patient paperwork to fill out.  That's hard to do when you keep thinking of the potential life change awaiting you.

Once we were called back, we went through the new patient preliminaries.  The staff was great.  It was helpful that we already knew one of the staff members prior to our visit (my husband knows someone everywhere it seems) which, for me, is calming as it provides familiarity.

When we met with the doctor, we heard a trusting voice.  He brought knowledge and confidence to a room that was filled with a sense of possible hopelessness.  He explained what was currently happening with me physically with the information he had from the tests that had been done prior to this point.  Further tests would be needed in order to get a better understanding of what my body was doing (or wasn't doing).  He also addressed what tests would be needed on my husband's side of things to eliminate issues there. 

I had thought that my modesty within the medical world had gone out the window by this point in my life.  How many times have I had to have invasive testing done with strangers present in regards to having Crohn's Disease?  And once I was of age to start going to a gynecologist...there's not really any explanation needed there, right?

The testing needed for this battle with infertility: It's a well advanced, in-depth trip to the gynecologist; throughout the whole process.  It's like modesty went out the window, tried to come back to thinking the coast was clear, and then saw the actual situation and said, "Why bother?"  There were times I'd think my life couldn't just be simple somewhere in the health spectrum.  (Of course, that was just me having a pity party on top of being tired of having to see doctors.)

I'm fairly certain I could have donated a decent amount of blood over the years (if I were medically cleared to do so) with all of the lab work I've had done in my life.  I think I had lab work done every time I visited the fertility clinic. 

And you know what?  I would have had even more lab work done, filled out enough paperwork to write a book, went through even more tests, worked more to be able to pay for all of this if it meant sharing the love that God had put in my heart for a child.  Some people say they love the child they are carrying but is not yet born.  I loved a child that didn't yet have life inside of me.