Who's to Shame?

There is a level of shame that seems to come with parenting, with health matters, and with basically...life.  Anytime there's a decision to make, there are people in the background slapping you on the back for making a great decision.  But then there are those who are trying to knock you off your feet because they disagree with all you do. 

And then sometimes the shaming comes from yourself.  Like when our son gets sick.  I have a tendency to try and figure out why, how he got sick.  Could it have been because we didn't dress him warm enough?  Was he outside too long?  

 Another self-shaming experience is when I switched from breastfeeding my son to formula feeding him, I felt like a failure.  After reading the literature and information on breastfeeding, I believed it to be the best form of nourishment.  I still do.  Switching to formula made me feel guilty and weak.  I shamed myself.  No one said anything to make me feel that way.  I just based it on the fact that it's something that women have done for years (and continue to do) and therefore, I should be able to breastfeed my son.  However, as soon as my husband gave him his first bottle with formula in it, the weight of the struggle of breastfeeding quickly fell away as well as the guilt and shame.  His development hasn't been affected in the least.  

And yet another time I shame myself is when my ostomy bag leaks.  When this happens, it's disturbing.  I'm not expecting it.  And I try to analyze every detail such as the foods I ate before it leaked that might have caused issues, or maybe I didn't apply something properly when I changed it the last time.  I'm always trying to figure out what I did.  But in reality, it's not necessarily anything I did or didn't do.  Just like with my son getting sick.  These things just happen.  

What is painful though is when other people shame you.  Just recently, my husband received "a look" from an individual after our son decided that that particular day was not going to be his day to behave.  The "look" was one that seemed to say "Can you not control your child any better than that?"  We were experiencing our toddler's desire for self will in public.  We dealt with his outbursts as well as we knew how.  But this individual must not have agreed with how we were dealing with the situation.  I had to wonder if they had ever had to deal with children themselves to which one would quickly realize that these tiny beings have brains of their own, and they use them in ways that constantly have me in a state of wonder, positively and negatively.

And of course, people have their ideas of how other should take care of their own personal health needs.  Personally, I had people mention things that I should try.  Most ideas I take into consideration.  I can't say that I recall anyone shaming me for my decision to have surgery which gave me an ileostomy.  Although I'm sure there are those who don't agree.  But it was right for me.  It gave me my life back.  However, I have heard of situations where those with ileostomies are shamed for having them.  They are told that they are ugly.  They are told that wearing a bag of waste on their body is disgusting.  Or they are told that they should have tried other options instead of ostomy surgery.  Some of those with ostomies weren't given a choice because it was a matter of life or death.  Maybe they weren't given a choice as I was because, for whatever reason, they were incapacitated and woke up with an ostomy bag.  They are shamed over something they have no control over.

 And I'm sure that there are those who didn't agree with our participation in a fertility clinic.  But again, it was right for my husband and me.  That (and God) gave us our son.

Shame can come from your inner voice or the voices (or looks) of others.   But it should come from neither source.  Life happens, some things are out of your control.  Decisions then have to be made based on those events.  All I know to do is sincerely pray for God's guidance and to help get me through those life events.  Do what's best for you.