People don't get into debt overnight, and it takes a while to pay off that debt depending on how much is accumulated, the income available, and the intensity in which you go attack the debt. When people realize they've gained too much weight, it wasn't like they went to bed slim and woke up the next morning overweight. The weight gain took time, and possibly bad choices were made. Losing the weight will take time, sweat, and determination. (This one I know from experience.)
Getting out of my depressed state would take me facing intense moments of opening of myself up and becoming vulnerable and having a determination to keep doing this until it became a habit of purpose. Only then would my dark clouds start rolling away and my burdens become lighter.
This is where I had to go to counseling. Even though my parents have great ears to listen with, they couldn't help me through my depression any more than they could cure me from Crohn's Disease. But they could help me find the source who could walk me through my struggles. If nothing else, speaking to an unbiased, unattached personally individual was a great avenue to relieve my inner thoughts that I had a tendency to carry inside for too long. I was a a hoarder of my worries. And hoarding isn't healthy in any circumstance. My counselor had me keep a notebook of what was going through my head, and we would go over it at each session. It provided a way to dig through the thoughts I had that I wouldn't remember to (or maybe want to) speak about at my appointment. And it also helped to relieve those thoughts that would build up.I also quit my job and tried a different area of nursing. However, the anxiety I felt everyday remained. I lacked so much self-confidence. And eventually, I had to walk away from nursing altogether, an occupation that I was sure at one time was my life's calling. The experience I had of my call to nursing and the one I was currently facing with depression were so conflicting and very much confusing. And certainly didn't help the depression.
At this time, I had also started dating the man I am married to today. Having him in my life was helpful to me as it was when my nephew was born. He gave me yet another reason to push forward through my depression journey. And of course, being in love gave my mind other areas to focus on than just on myself and my troubles.
He got me back into church. I didn't completely walk away from church. My relationship with God had been barely existent. Here was a guy that took his walk with God, his church attendance, and his involvement in church very seriously. His knowledge of the Bible amazed me as it still does. I saw how important it was to be a part of the church and how much it meant to him, and it made me want that as well. He was able to use the fire from his light to rekindle the fire that was dim from my own candle.
It didn't take us long to realize that we were meant to be together. We had some struggles with lack of jobs while we were engaged. And as much of a worrier as I am, I don't remember this being as much of a worry for me. I know that sounds crazy. Maybe I was too in love to think otherwise. Maybe I was still too absorbed with my depressed state to notice something that today would probably throw me into a tailspin of worries. But regardless, the Lord had our lives in His hands and provided each of us with new jobs.
With these changes, He also pulled me out of my depression. What seemed like a scary time, getting married and being jobless, turned into a test of patience and faith. Deep down, I had faith. I like to think that God had to allow me to go through the illness with Crohn's Disease, the ileostomy surgery, the depression, and the unemployment to show me (and others) that He was the One in charge. That He wouldn't leave me. And that He truly doesn't give you more than you can handle. There's always a rainbow...
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