Giving it to Him

It took us a few months to get our minds and our hearts to accept the idea of trying the IUI procedure again.  However, our decision to try again wasn't completely accepted on my part.  My heart was so set on having a child through my own physical body, and I had expected that first IUI to work.  When it didn't, I didn't think I could handle going through all of that again and possibly having it fail as well.

We had our next appointment set up and again met with the doctor to regroup where we had been and where we were going next.  He wanted to try the IUI procedure again, and then brought up IVF (Invirto fertilization) as the suggested next step if the IUI were to not work.  I tried to ignore this part of the conversation.  I didn't want to do IVF personally.  It is more in depth in nature.  And it's more expensive.  I felt that we had already been on a treacherous journey.  I didn't think I could deal with more that what we had been through.  Plus, there's the increased chance of having more than one child in one pregnancy.  Now, I thought it'd be neat to have twins because I am one.  But my fear was more rooted in carrying two babies.  With my health history with Crohn's and with my current health with having an ileostomy, I was scared of carrying just one baby and getting blockages that would send me to the hospital.

But we went back through the process of starting the pre-IUI stuff.  I took the medications needed to make me have a cycle and to make me ovulate.  After the medication did its job, we went back to the ofice for our second attempt at the IUI.  I did my best to put up a wall around my heart this time.  I din't want to get my hopes up again, just to be hurt in the end.  Part of me wanted to be excited.  But more of me wanted to be guarded from any possible let downs.



There are at least two times that I can remember praying, the reason for praying, and recollecting what I said to some degree and then the feeling after I poured it all out to God.  It's not that all of the times I pray don't matter enough to be remembered.  But there are times in life that you feel like you're at the bottom of the barrel looking for that last bit of something to just hold you over until you might could be fully nourished.  The first time was when I got saved.  The second time was in this era of my life, waiting to see if this second IUI had worked.  I remember driving to work (which is probably my best time to talk to God).  My heart was so broken, I didn't think it could ever be healed again.  Tears were streaming down my face, and I believe the only way I managed to keep driving my vehicle through this was because God had control of the wheel.  I don't remember all the words I had prayed, but I did tell God how much I wanted a child, how muckh I wanted to be a mom.  And I told Him that even though I wanted this so much, it was okay if I never got to do that.  I would be hurt, but I'd be okay because He would help me through it.  I didn't pray this out of manipulation.  You can't manipulate the One who knows what we're going to do before we do it.  But I had prayed that with full belief, with complete surrender.  I had to let go and let Him do what He thought was best regardless of what I wanted.  Now, I can't say that an angel came down and spoke to me saying, "Behold, in time you shall have the child you so desire."  I can't say that the world suddenly looked brighter.  But the tears stopped, and the burden I was carrying was much lighter.  (And I made it to work without incident.)

The procedure had been done, and we have to wait a couple of weeks to see if it worked.  My husband and I had the opportunity to take a vacation and during this time I was to either start my cycle or take a pregnancy test if I didnt start by a certain date.  I did not want to take that test.  See that's another thing with infertility.  There are only so many pregnacy tests a person can take and see negative results on them.  And I had taken several of those negative tests.  It wears on one's emotions as well.  I didnt want to see another one like it.  I had in my mind that I would very likely never see a positive test.  Then, one day I saw pink when I went to the bathroom, and I thought, "Well, here we go again.  But God, it's okay.  It will be okay."

The pink never progressed to red though.  In fact, after that incident, I don't think I saw any more pink.  The date to take the pregnacy test had approached, and they suggest to take a test with the first urination of the day.  Well, I woke up at a probably 3 o'clock in the morning, and I had to go.  I reluctantly took the test.  I even tried to not look at it afterward.  And when I did decide I probably should look at it, I tried to look at it out of the corner of my eye as if that would make a negative result less painful.  But it wasn't negative.  It was positive!  I was in awe.  The angels were singing somewhere, I just know it.  My heart filled up really quick with something I'd never felt before.  Now, my husband was excited with the news.  It just didn't show up when I told him.  Like I said, it was early in the morning when I took the test.  I woke him up from a dead sleep.  I couldn't go back to sleep and not tell him.  This was big!  He stumbles into the bathroom, blinks a million times trying to focus on the test stick in front of him, and somehow managed to see that it was positive.  He kissed me and hugged me for a few minutes, and then went back to bed without a problem.  I'm standing there thinking "Really?  That's the reaction I get after all this time?"  It would have hurt me quite a bit more if it hadn't been so terribly early in the morning, and I know how he sleeps.  And he did come around to the excited side after he became more coherent.

I even managed to go back to sleep myself.  It took a while though.  My heart was so full.  I took another test the next morning that was also positive.  And then we had to get official confirmation from the feritility clinic.  But as I've said before, I already loved a child that didn't exist, so there was no way to deny a love for one that, to my knowledge, was in complete existence however tiny they were.  For whatever reason, God found this to be our time to receive one of His greatest blessings.