Being Okay With Being Me

I was listening to a podcast this morning, and the speaker mentioned about how she didn't really like who she was.  She was a shy and quiet person who didn't deal well with people I guess you'd say.  She wanted to be like others: outgoing and the life of the party.  And then God spoke to her one day.  He told her she was the way she was supposed to be, and that by being that way, she was spared the introduction of things in her life that could have potentially ruined her: exposure to outside forces that have a way of changing people for the worst and taking over their lives in all areas over time.

This spoke to me.  I find myself like her.  As a child, I was painfully shy.  I wouldn't go up to anyone and start a conversation for anything unless it were my immediate family.  I was probably in high school before I'd order food for myself at a restaurant.  It's sad I know, but so so true.  Talking to people just didn't suit me.  I'd rather stay home than be in a crowd any day.

I can't say that it's not still painful sometimes, but I've had to step out of my comfort zone to be an adult and run a business.  Not talking to the client will never get a business going.  Thankfully, texting is a "thing" and it definitely works for my personality.  I can "talk" all day through words on paper and screen.  But don't try to get me to hold an all day seminar somewhere.  That would drain the life out of me before I even got started.  Plus, I still Do Not Like crowds.  My husband is a basketball coach.  This might seem selfish, but sometimes, I just can't go to the games.  I can't deal with all of the activity and lack of personal space.  He has come to understand this about me.  And he is disappointed at my absence, but he understands because he feels the same way by being a home all day long.  He has done it, but it doesn't feed him.  He likes to be out an among others.  He doesn't seem to need to talk to them necessarily.  Just being out of the house helps him keep his sanity.

My need for solidarity has kept me sheltered from things that I would have been gullible enough to get sucked in to.  Him wanting to be out with other people has always kept him too busy to get himself into trouble with the world around him.  We are who we are meant to be.

Of course, when I was going through all of the ups and downs of Crohn's, I wanted to be someone else.  I wanted to be my classmates who were healthy, who were not afraid to go out of the house, who weren't having to take medicine everyday, who didn't have their physical appearance change due to prednisone, and who could eat PIZZA!  I wanted to be my sister, my twin, who didn't have to deal with the devastation of Crohn's.  I wanted to be who I was before Crohn's attacked my intestines.   Why did I have to deal with this?

And now that I have an ostomy, there have been plenty of times I've just wanted to take the ostomy appliance off.  I've wanted my pre-ostomy body back that didn't need to have an ostomy appliance attached to me.  Then I remember that pre-ostomy, I was sick and wishing I could have my life back.  What did the ostomy surgery do for me?  Essentially, it gave me my life back.

All of this is to say, that I don't know why I am the way I am necessarily and why my life was hit with Crohn's Disease.  But there is a reason.  Right now, I'm able to share what I deal with and think about by having Crohn's and an ileostomy.  And hopefully, someone out there is reading this and thinking "Okay, someone in this world thinks like I do, and they deal with things that I've got to deal with.  I can do this, too."  We don't need to change ourselves as much as we need to embrace who we are meant to be.